I Was Hurting, but I Showed Up!

“And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient.” - 2 Timothy 2:24, (KJV)

Yesterday, someone reminded me that I don’t have to wrestle with people. Whew. I needed that. Sometimes I see how much better a situation could be with honesty, accountability, and God at the center, and I keep explaining because I want to help. I cannot make somebody willing to hear me, and continuing to argue doesn’t mean I’m making things better.

A message I listened to challenged me to examine how I fill the gaps when I don’t have the whole story. Do I leave room for grace, or fill them with negative assumptions? I used to assume the worst, boy did I ever. I’m still a work in progress with that. But grace doesn’t require me to ignore actions and patterns I’ve actually witnessed - that's discernment. I can recognize concerning fruit while remembering that God knows the heart better than I do.

And let’s flip that question toward ourselves: When somebody brings us an uncomfortable concern, do we listen, or criticize the person bringing it? Am I willing to receive the same honesty I want others to receive from me? Wanting a situation to become more godly means being willing to let God correct me, too.

Yesterday cut deeper than I expected. Maybe it was an old wound being touched. Maybe it was the uncertainty surrounding someone I love. Maybe it hurt so much because I didn’t expect those words from that person. I don’t have all the answers yet. I just know I thought I was past certain triggers, and suddenly that familiar hurt was right there again.

I’m going to be honest: I wanted to go get drunk. Not have a drink - like old Bobbie, "white girl wasted," as they call it back home. I hadn’t felt that pull that strongly since before I quit drinking and I was in Texas, and it caught me off guard. But instead of going back to the bar, I went to church. I went to my godly people - the people who carry me to Jesus when I’m struggling to get there myself. I showed up hurting, because I needed help carrying it.

When I got there, I noticed other people and their families were struggling with the same things I was struggling with. That reminded me why we need each other. Someone asked me to think about the end of that bottle when it's gone and if I wanted to feel like that bottle: what's left? One of my mat carriers and I said, “Emptiness.” He said, “Exactly.” That hit me. I was looking for relief, but that bottle would end up empty, and the hurt would still need to be addressed.

So if you feel that pull toward something you’ve worked hard to leave behind, find your mat carriers - the people who will carry you toward Jesus when you’re struggling to get there yourself. Tell them the truth about what you’re feeling. Let them pray with you and walk with you. You don’t have to carry that struggle alone, and you don’t have to wait until you’ve given in to ask for help.

A moment of truth: then we opened Matthew 26 and 27 and talked about Jesus’ crucifixion. There I was, overwhelmed by words that had hurt me, listening to what Jesus endured for us. Betrayal. False accusations. Mockery. The cross. And I cried even harder. My first thought was, “Jesus went through all of that, and here I am falling apart because somebody hurt my feelings?”

But His suffering doesn’t mean I have to pretend mine doesn’t hurt. Jesus understands betrayal and rejection. The cross reminded me how deeply He loves us and how much I need Him in the middle of my pain. I could bring Him my tears while also asking Him to change how I respond.

Yesterday, I felt an old pull, and I made a different choice. I reached for community. I listened to Scripture. I cried with people who pointed me back to Jesus. Healing doesn’t mean nothing will ever trigger me again. Sometimes I can see the growth in what I choose when it does.

This is me checking myself, too. I can speak truth without becoming quarrelsome. I can set a boundary without having the last word. And when I’m hurting, I can ask for help instead of trying to carry everything alone.

Questions to sit with:

1. When something touches an old wound, where do I turn for comfort?

2. Am I willing to receive correction as openly as I want others to receive it?

3. Who can I reach out to when I need someone to help carry me to Jesus?

Prayer:
Jesus, thank You for meeting me in the places that still hurt. When old triggers return, help me pause, reach out, and choose what draws me closer to You. Thank You for people who pray with me and help carry my burdens. Teach me to speak truth gently, receive correction humbly, and stop wrestling when it is time to step away. Keep the cross before me, and help me bring You my pain without shame. I also pray for everyone feeling that pull toward old habits today. Give them the courage to reach out, and surround them with mat carriers who will help them come to You. Help us recognize when someone else needs us to help carry their burden, too. In Jesus’ name, amen.